the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
