he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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