he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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