i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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