The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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