i permit you to call me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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