It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
