how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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