life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
