Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
ttyl tear gas
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
