So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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