i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
