I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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