I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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