he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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