My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
