its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
