walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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