Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
