How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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