Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm at about main and main street
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
