Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
