the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
