just tell him i said nine months
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
