Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
