Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
