i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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