I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
