You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
