His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
