I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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