I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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