I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
