he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
