Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
