i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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