When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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