So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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