Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
