The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
