Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
