I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
