Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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