We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
