Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
