I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
