I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
