Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Success! We fucked roommates!
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