I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
