where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
