i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
