That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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